Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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