I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
