I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
