Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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