I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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