i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
