Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
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jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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