it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
