It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
