I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
