wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
