I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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