Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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