I've blown a few things in my day
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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