I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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