have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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