I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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