summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
