I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
