My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
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Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
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Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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