I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
