I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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