I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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