Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
