did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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