i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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