Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
