no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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