im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Someone shit on the floor
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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