this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
