if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
