Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
