He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
