I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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