I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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