We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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