i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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