On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
