I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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