Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
