the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
