I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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