Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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