When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The ass gains better be worth it
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