i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
