so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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