We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
