I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize