I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
