oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
