It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
