i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
