Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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