Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
