I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
