I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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